salam alaik, greetings.
urgh.i was actually in the middle of doing matrices & vector exercise in webwork (i took this subject for elective), and im stucked. so i decided to write an entry. well, im used to be maths-lover, until i met IB maths, and i stop loving maths. haha. ironically, i had to take matrices & vector for 1st sem's elective. i have no choice! i got kicked from Chinese languange stage 1, and all other elective subjects that i want is either over-subscribed or it clashes with my core subject time table.
instead of following bunch of girls to belfast this weekend, i had to cram my brain for maths exam next wednesday and 1st aid exam next friday. so, here i am, alone in my apartment, on a halloween night.i just hope there'll be no one knocking the door for 'trick or treat', cos im not gonna open the door.
these few weeks are just not a good moment for me. my body is signalling presence of mild stres/depression. been fighting with my inner-self, worrying about mid-term, bothered with some things which most people would say it's not-worth-worrying. speaking of mid-term, my biochem results sucks. pecah kepala fikir how to score back in final. it's too big a lost. even so, i must be grateful that i don't have to meet prof. newsholme. so much of a negative marking :(
i miss my buddies back in kuching so damn much. i remembered back in mrsm life, when ever i feel like talking to someone, i can crash into any room (well, most room.hehe)burst it all out, and have a good night sleep after that. there were lots of good listener back then. pzah, salehah, del, ain, siti, bella, zarith, thailis, nide ... and so on. when ever i feel troubled, i can just ask anyone to go out for a walk. selalunya, aku akan pusing2 maktab di awal pagi ahad. then, dudok dekat padang bol for 1/2 an hour. we didn't really talk much, but i simply feel good after that. i just need a good company. slalunya pzah or some of my classmates la yg akan teman jalan2. well, it didn't change much after high school though. bila aku ada problem, i'll simply fetch bunch of ppl (usually del, norol, siti) and we'll go out have a good time. and like a magic, the bad feeling is all gone! they really know how to make me laugh :) they are very comforting, and we care about each other a lot.
why can't i just feel that here? i just feel so isolated no matter how much i tried to blend in. sometimes i feel like there's more hatred than love in the air i breath. dengki, dendam, cemburu, benci, rimas. yep, sometimes i can sense that in some people when im with them. what have i done wrong? is it because i didn't try hard enough to be accepted? or is it because im so stucked with my past life, i can't let them go to accept the present? *sigh*
here, i laugh, but most of the time, it's not pure from the heart. i just need to find at least 2 or 3 ppl who speaks the same language as i do (literally). some would say im being racist, but please..u don't understand. it is different in many sorts that i can't explain how. there was once, somewhere in this month; i met my 'orang negeri'. how can i not be excited? brapa ketul jak org swk in ireland. i was so happy i can't stop talking! all of sudden i heard, "ee~,racist." ouch?! and that went deep into my heart, so deep. did i even make any point to criticise other states/culture/race? no, i didn't! all i do is speaking in my own dialect with someone who knows. so far as i know, that is not racism.
*sigh*-again. i just need somebody with the same wavelength. somebody who won't treat me like a doll or a pet. not somebody who choose when to be nice and when to act cold; when to use u and when to dump u. someone who really3 cares with no intrinsic agenda. someone who will take it easy, no rush, no force. someone who won't judge what i do, unless it really is reprehensible. urgh. stop dreaming. i'll never get anyone of that sort-again. i need to stop comparing the past and the present. but i just wish ppl would understand and at least try to tolerate. wish is just a wish though.
Dear Allah, please make me stronger. life is just too short for me to mourn on stupid things. please, at some point, make ppl understand, and make me understand as well. amin.
urgh.emotion is tougher to deal with compared to medicine.huhu.
No comments:
Post a Comment